Friday Reflections – The Love Dynamic

Up until now I’ve limited myself on my blog to writing solely about my books, or featuring articles related to vampires or the horror genre. So I’ve decided to use Fridays, wherever possible, for writing about my thoughts on other issues away from books and movies in the horror genre.

So the question on my mind today is: Are men and women meant to co-exist together? I know there is an emotional and, indeed, a physical need for such an attachment. As well as this there is a deeper need and desire to be loved, especially by the one we ourselves love. But how many of us ever have this need properly fulfilled or, on the other hand, how many of us actually manage to fulfil that need in the person who desires it from us?

I have seen a lot of the world and known a lot of women, been involved sexually and otherwise with far more than I ever had a right to, but I have given my heart to very few. Through all these experiences I have never had this need fulfilled, nor have I been able to fulfil it in those who have sought it from me. What is the reason for this serious flaw in the human character? I am flawed I know, as are those I have loved. What is it in us as a species that we struggle so emphatically in this area? I know my case isn’t unique. I only have to look at the divorce rates in the various countries around the world and all the unhappy people around me to know that.

So I ask why is it that men and women fall down in this area? Gary Chapman has many insights into this dynamic with his love language books. He correctly talks about the in-love phase we go through as couples, which lasts on average about two years. From there couples usually have two alternatives. Quite often they remain together in long and unhappy marriages and put up with their situation, or they break up and search for that in-love feeling again. The lucky few find that deeper love that replaces the in-love and find the balance needed to keep their relationship stable. But even then, many still don’t last the course.

Why is this? In all my years I still cannot understand how two people can love each other so much, as was the case in my marriage, and then finish up virtually hating each other. Is it because men and women are too different to be able to bridge the gaps that exist between the sexes? For sure, men and women are very different creatures and, in the majority of cases, rarely ever understand each other on the level we need to function in perfect harmony. Is it because what we think is real and true love is actually nothing more than lust? Even though we do all those things we would never do in the rationality of our everyday lives and go to great lengths for that other person that are far and beyond what we would normally do. Is it nothing more than lust that drives us to do this and not what we construe as real love? Is it just a primal need to mate with the one we so desperately desire? I am beginning to think this could well be the case. How else can you rationalise going from what we conceive as being madly in love to being so emphatically out of love? If it isn’t a case of that deep lust being gone, then what is it?

I don’t have the answers and it is likely that I never will. The one real lesson I have learned from it all is this. If you are a man who will love your children, then be very sure of the woman you choose to have them with. All that glitters is not gold for beauty really is only skin deep. How long it has taken me to realise that. They say time heals all wounds and generally that is true. As difficult as it is and as painful as it is, that pain of losing a partner you love, be it acrimoniously or through bereavement, will fade and dull eventually. However, the pain of losing a child remains day after day and year after year. This I know so so well. That pain never dulls. That pain never goes away. It is a raw, festering wound that eats away at the very essence of who you are. It eats away at the vitality that makes you who you are. This has been life’s toughest lesson for me.

The love dynamic? I’m still not sure if it has any practical basis in reality. There are obviously some people who would argue against this, but on the whole the evidence to me suggests it is a myth.